Get All The Trashy Boy Pop You'll Ever Need In Jacob Sartorius' "The Last Text" EP

Chances are you know who Jacob Sartorius is by now. The chances that you're annoyed by his existence is just as great. Perhaps if you're a teenage girl who needs a heartthrob to satisfy some undisclosed desire, then you are a fan. From someone who isn't that, I can tell you that his new EP The Last Text is all the trashy boy-pop music you'll ever need.

For what it's worth, the EP at least gets off to a decent start. 'Last Text' opens the EP up with warm acoustic guitars and decent melodies, but of course you can't get past the clichΓ© and almost cringey lyrics. 'By Your Side' follows through, one of the actually tolerable and good tracks on the record. This song basically establishes his place as a copycat "Baby" era Justin Bieber, but he's attempting to channel the vibes from Major Lazer's 'Cold Water' here. The instrumental's pretty solid, and the melodies are pretty solid.

It's pretty weird to be listening to a fourteen year old sing disingenuous love songs, and it does show. I don't know how anyone can seriously sit through 'Bingo' without wanting to either put tape over this kid's mouth or rip your own ears off. The chorus follows the melody of the old folk tune of the same name you heard as a child, and it's absolutely abysmal in terms of lyrics. Any song that contains the word "lit" unironically is an automatic failure. 'Jordans' is another one of the stupidest songs I've ever heard in my life.

As mentioned before, Sartorius is essentially today's version of the teenage Justin Bieber. He does have a little edge on him, tracks like 'All My Friends' sounding like they have potential if they weren't, you know, about his friends coming over. The acoustic "remix" of 'Sweatshirt' that closes the record honestly would be a good song if he wasn't fourteen. He doesn't know what love is, and that's not something I want to hear about from a kid who's going into it with a blind concept of what it really is.

If you're not a fan of Jacob Sartorius, don't bother with this. Genuinely, you'll hurt yourself. You can get all the trashy boy pop you'll ever need in The Last Text EP. The thing is, there is hope for this guy. If Justin Bieber can go from a headache to a guy with some solid tunes everyone enjoys, then surely this kid can too. It'll take time, and we will get headaches, but everyone starts somewhere.

Favorite Track: By Your Side

Least Favorite Tracks: Bingo, Jordans, Love Me Back, Sweatshirt

Rating: 24 / 100

Buy or listen to The Last Text EP here: